just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
