Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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