Only a mothe r could love this liver
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
God gave him joint rollers for hands
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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