Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
