I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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