apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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