trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
