I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
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