thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
