Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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