Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
