im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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