OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
