i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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