My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Randomize
