How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I think pants incapable of making pants work
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
