nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
