I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
if you force a hooker to have sex with you and dont pay her would it be rape or theft? something to ponder
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
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