apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
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I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
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Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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