Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
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you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
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I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
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