If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
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