woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
