I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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