I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
