hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
