they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
