Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
