everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
