I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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