forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Randomize
