I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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