i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
