sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
should my penis look like a turkey
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
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