We need to start having sex underwater more often.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Randomize
