Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
