defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
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They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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