I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
