OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
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