Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
