The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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