i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
