I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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