I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
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