The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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