So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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