ya dads aren't the best wingmen
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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