i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
