if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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