remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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