you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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