I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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