as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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